I don’t believe that one human being should control another human being. Yet it happens every day with supervisors and staff, parents and their children, and governments and communities. In some cases, it feels justified. As parents, we are keeping our kids safe and as a supervisor we are doing our jobs. We are protecting people. But when does control cross a line? When is it too much? And why do some individuals feel this need to hold control over others in such an extreme way?
Controlling behavior is when someone tries to maintain power or authority over another person irrespective of what the other person wants or needs. This is a trait often found among narcissists. It isn’t surprising since individuals who need control are those who are insecure and anxious. And narcissists are deeply insecure, wearing a mask to hide their true identity.
My partner tried to control me in several ways:
Gaslighting: He made me feel crazy. He would completely lie about things he said, as well as his actions, with such intensity that I began to question my memory. And I wondered if I was the problem.
Hot and Cold Games: He put me on a rollercoaster of emotions. One day he would tell me how special I was to him but a few days later he would scream at me and call me a bitch. I didn’t willingly get on the ride even though I met the height requirements.
Guilt trips: If I did not agree with something he would guilt me, using things I had shared with him as weapons to hurt me. He especially relied on guilt trips to isolate me from friends and family. And he always had excuses for his behavior: “Don’t you know how stressful it is to have the job that I have and the position I hold? I am just so exhausted. I try so hard but who helps me?”
Accusations and Projection: He would accuse me of not being trustworthy. When I asked him for an example of what I had done, he would become irate saying that questioning him was an example.
Defining Me: He repeatedly told me that he knew me better than I knew me. Over time, this began to wear me down and I began to lose my sense of self.
Pushing Boundaries: He would push, and push, and push. And then push more. And then steamroll. And push. Until I was so exhausted, I gave up.
Condescension: If I shared something I had read or learned, or something I knew from my career or education, he would talk down to me. He was demeaning, posing as superior and more intelligent. He belittled where I grew up, where I studied, the degrees I had earned, and the jobs I had held. Nothing I had done ever compared to his resume.
When All Else Failed…Anger: Yelling. Threats. Shaming. Hitting things. Breaking things. Punching holes in walls. Backing me into corners. Intimidation. This is the short list.
What happens when a narcissist starts to lose control over you?
In my case, as my partner felt he was losing control over me, he increased the intensity of gaslighting and guilting. It began to happen daily. If it didn’t work, he moved to anger. And over time, anger became his go-to move. The more he felt he was losing control, the more angry he became, pounding his fist on the table, puffing out his chest, flaring his nostrils, and letting out deep bellows.
The anger became harder for him to manage and maintain behind closed doors. It became all consuming. It started to spill out toward our child. His mask began to slip in front of others. And eventually he was arrested for domestic violence.
But I wasn’t free. Because once I stopped having contact with him, the hoovering began.