After my partner was arrested, I still communicated with him via text. I responded to questions about our child. And I said that I needed space and time. Very quickly I realized he was trying to pull me back in by promising the moon and the stars…again. But fool me once, twice, three times…but not fifty. I knew there was no going back. If I went back, it would be the end of me. I couldn’t risk that because I had a child who needed me.
So, I made the choice to stop responding and communicating. I needed to pull myself together and that was never going to happen if I was in limbo-mode with him. It didn’t stop him from bombarding me with calls and texts, playing on my guilt and emotions in any way he could, going into full hoovering mode. But this time I did not falter. And now as I look at the date, I realize it has been two years since I went no contact.
No contact is a strategy for anyone involved with a narcissist. A narcissist thrives on attention and needs validation from those around them. Going no contact is the ultimate stab to the heart. It won’t force them to change or become better. But it allows someone being abused to set boundaries for themselves. No contact means no communication – no phone calls or texts, no social media, not seeing them in person and basically avoiding them or anyone they know. It seems extreme but it’s necessary because a narcissist will find any possible way to get back into your life.
Going no contact was my first attempt at setting any real boundaries with him. I needed to do it for myself.
I didn’t start by testing the waters and slowly trying to distance myself. I went nuclear, full force – zero responding, no matter what. And as time passed, I realized there wasn’t much he could do about it. He tried to love bomb me. He sent me old pictures to try and play on my emotions. And he sent me messages about the awful things he was experiencing on his own. Over time, I thought the messages would decrease if I didn’t give them any attention. But they didn’t. It was quite the opposite – he sent his full arsenal of promises to be the most wonderful partner and father in the world.
He was too late. There were no words that could undo this.
In two years, I have come a long way in my healing. I have started putting the pieces of myself together. Over time I have become stronger and stronger. And I never could have done that if I hadn’t gone no contact.
Although I’ve come far, I’m not whole yet. I still have nightmares. And he still holds a presence in my life even without being a part of it. I have tried to release the memories, let go of the pain, forget the hurt and broken promises. But no matter how hard I push to heal, I receive the same consistent response from the universe: pain and healing comes with time. It can’t be forced. It can’t be pushed. You do the work. And you find reprieve. I can heal. But I can’t forget. And I shouldn’t. Instead, I choose to learn. I give myself grace and take it day by day.