Today I am going to court to ask for a divorce.
Everyone around me is happy for me. I should be feeling excited. I should be feeling ready. There are a lot of ‘shoulds.’ But what I actually feel is sad. And numb. I don’t seem to have any tears left. I guess that is good. I don’t feel angry or disappointed. It’s just sad. But I do know that it isn’t my fault. I know I tried my hardest to make it work and then I tried my hardest to leave.
Narcissist was my best friend for five years, or so I thought. And then we were married for five years during which he became increasingly more abusive. It has been a two year battle to break free from him. That is twelve years of my life where I have laughed, cried, hurt and fought harder than I ever thought possible. But this morning, over the course of about five minutes or so, it will all be over. A stranger will dictate to me that they have given permission to legally separate my life from Narcissist. Five minutes.
And then I’ll be free.
My divorce was straightforward. I was not asking Narcissist for anything. We did not have a house. He kept the car. We split our finances straight down the middle when we separated which was basically me just moving half of everything into my own account. Custody was decided last year. So, there was nothing that I was asking for…. except my life and the ability to check the Divorced box on every future form I have to fill out. I thought he would agree to this but I should have known better. Hadn’t I learned anything over the past twelve years? I should not have been surprised that he ignored the divorce papers and we never heard a response. Luckily, because he did not sign the papers but also did not contest them, I will be able to ask the court to make a decision for me. I will go in front of yet another stranger, tell them my personal story, and ask them to judge me.
Maybe I’m not celebrating this because it took so much to get here and I’m tired. Or maybe it’s because I still don’t feel like I have my power back. I guess that could be what comes next…after a stranger gives me permission to live my life on my own terms again.