I have not had contact with my partner in 18 months. In that time my emotions have gone up, down, and all around. I have had to have some really hard, honest and reflective conversations with myself about how I arrived at this point in my life.
With my 40th birthday just around the corner, it seems like no time like now to own up to my part in all of this, right?
The four types of people narcissists are attracted to.
At first I thought it was because I was weak. Maybe I was broken from the past. Possibly I was an easy target. I am empathetic. It is easy to guilt me. And let’s be honest, my boundary setting has never been great. My conversations with myself ran round and round. My long list of insecurities began running through my head. Self-blame seemed to be a significant key theme.
I shared all of this with a friend who has known my partner for almost as long as I have, who has felt his wrath in the workplace. She said that a few years ago he was bragging to her that no one thought he could marry me. His friends all thought I would never go for him. And he proved them all wrong. He had won. At the time she thought it was strange. Who talks about their partner as a thing? It worried her because simultaneously she saw me withering away.
I’ve come to realize that he didn’t see me as weak. In fact, he saw me as a prize. I have a PhD, people usually find me funny and enjoy my company, and possibly the most important, I thought he was incredibly smart and talented. I believed him.
I was something he wanted to win and show off to others. He wanted to control me, over power me. So he began by gaining my trust. Once he learned what my goals and dreams were he used those to make me believe he was the right person to be with to achieve those things. He gained my trust. He conned me into believing he was someone different. And as quickly as after I signed my name on that marriage certificate, it began to shift.
My shininess wore off. He had won. He was over it and ready for his next conquest. So the love bombing ended. His mask began to fall. He was angry.
I became the thing he wanted to blame, punish, and control.