If you google the red flags of a narcissist, there are a plethora of websites describing anywhere from four to fourteen traits to look out for. Here is one example. One thing they have in common: narcissists are not good candidates for healthy, long term partners.
Unfortunately, my partner did not say, “hi, my name is X and I’m a narcissist.”
It was really hard for me to see the red flags, and a few of the things I did see, I chose to ignore. I saw so much of what I thought was good and it outweighed the few bad experiences. And even after those bad times, he appeared genuinely apologetic.
But as I look back there were definitely things that stood out, and it happened in phases.
In the early stages of our friendship he was kind, attentive, and caring. I was living in a new city with no family or friends. I met him through work and when I mentioned I was new to the area, he immediately promised to show me around town and help me meet new people.
But in retrospect, things were off. Here are some of the things that I now realize were red flags:
- He told me one day he prayed for me and the next day I showed up in his life.
- He wanted to hang out every night.
- He took me to different restaurants, told me to order anything I wanted, and never let me pay the bill.
- He was an incredible listener and sent me daily messages filled with flattery.
- He told me I was the most amazing person he had ever met and he would change the world to make my dreams come true.
- He told me I was his soul mate within the first few months of knowing each other.
I felt like I was on cloud nine. I felt so seen and understood in ways I never had been before. Sure, it was happening fast but that happens in the movies, doesn’t it? Who am I to shut down kismet? I told myself all of these things. I had no idea that everything I was sharing with him would later be weapons he used against me.
After a few years of knowing each other, we got into this push/pull cycle. He was showing traits that worried me. I would share my concerns, he would react, I would pull away, and he would beg me to not leave him. The red flags at this point were different:
He began creating issues with my friends and forcing me to choose between him or them. He would use things I had shared with him about past disagreements with them to create rifts. He was isolating me.
When I brought something up that he had done to upset me, he turned it around on me. I always walked away feeling guilty, like I had done something wrong. He was gaslighting me
He needed everything to be perfect otherwise it was not acceptable.
And when I would pull away, he would chase after me telling me how much he cared, how we were meant to be, and I told myself that he would go back to who he was before. I made excuses for him. He’s stressed out, there is too much on his plate, I could be doing more.
So I took the plunge, got married, and kept hoping. But ultimately nothing ever changed. It only got worse and worse with time. He never returned to who he was. Because that person never existed.