Kids who grow up in traumatic environments and become adults with narcissism protect their true identity from the world by wearing a mask.
As adults, narcissists appear incredibly self-confident at their surface. And most people around them believe this is who they truly are. But below that layer is someone who is incredibly self-conscious, insecure, and vulnerable. In order to protect that weak interior, they wear a mask every day to hide from the world, and themselves.
The mask serves as their false personality.
This mask of the narcissist isn’t a mask like you see on Halloween. Their mouth and nose won’t be covered up. They won’t be dressed up like a scene out of Scream.
Instead, it’s a facade…a front…a show. It is an image and mechanism for self-preservation. A narcissist will hold this mask incredibly close and at all costs, will avoid letting it fall. Because if it falls, you will see a completely different person. You will see who they really are.
My Experience with the Narcissist’s Mask
When I first met my partner, he was charming, extroverted, intelligent, and everyone who came in contact with him fell in love with him. He was described as kind, selfless, supportive, and a dedicated friend. We knew each other for several years before getting married and I saw those wonderful characteristics consistently. So, the few times he did behave differently it felt so contrary to who I thought he was. And I chose to ignore it. I didn’t see a red flag. I saw someone who was having a bad day or reacting to a challenging situation. He was someone going through a tough time.
I made excuses for the behavior because it didn’t fit with who I thought he was.
But after we got married the mask began to fall. It was gradual. It started like a slow drip but over the years it shifted into a steady stream and then an overpowering river. At first, I thought it was out of character. I told myself it wasn’t who he was. But over time, as the mask began to slip more often, I realized I never really knew his true character.
His anger, lies, and bullying became prevalent in our home, in our relationship, in our parenting, seeping into every part of my life.
And yet, the mask continued to work with his colleagues and friends. To them, he is the mask. And they still love him. Even today.