When I first met my partner, I thought he was wonderful – charismatic, thoughtful, kind hearted, and an incredibly good listener. But I failed to recognize how he was setting me up to slaughter me later. He was doing his pre-work: love bombing. I now know that love bombing is a common tactic used by narcissists. And there are many ways to identify it.
I was not in the best place in my life. I felt the loneliness of living in a new city, far away from my friends and family. I had no support system in my daily life. And it felt nice to have a friend. I trusted it because I needed to. He took advantage of that and it began with what I now know is the love bombing phase.
It started with text messages and emails saying, “YOU ARE AMAZING” and “You are my destiny” and “How did I get so lucky to find you?” He said that we were destined to take on the world together and would fulfill all of my hopes and dreams. This was in the first month of knowing each other.
And conversations via email and text quickly escalated to hanging out after work and on weekends. I was new to the city and he wanted to take me everywhere and show me everything. I thought, “how considerate…!”
He would also always pick up the bill. I offered to split the cost and he refused. He would tell me to order anything I wanted from any restaurant we wanted, splurging on bottles of wine and food. I mentioned more than once that it seemed expensive but he seemed hurt by that. He said there was nothing he wouldn’t do to make me happy. And that I was offending him by talking about the cost.
Each night after work we would meet up to hang out, he would ask me questions about my life. He wanted to know everything about me. I thought he was genuinely interested. He listened.
I couldn’t see it but he was building me up so he could tear me down later, beginning a cycle and a roller coaster of confusion and pain, and creating a reliance on him. I was blind to his masterful manipulation.
He was using my dreams against me, building up each hope and showing me how it all fit together, around him, as the only way to achieve it.
According to Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, love bombing is the secret weapon of a narcissist, “the practice of overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction.” She also describes how a narcissist can use someone’s desire to feel loved against them, becoming manipulative, and predatorial.
He used love bombing to pull me in and make me feel like I could trust him. But it didn’t last. As soon as I had signed my name on the marriage certificate, it shifted, almost immediately.
Someone recently told me I should have followed my gut when I first met my partner. And that constant flattery, outings, dinners, and gifts are not the norm. So why didn’t I trust my gut? The problem was this: my gut wanted to believe him, too.