When I think of narcissism, I imagine the boisterous and charming person who floats through a room requiring adoration and envied by others, arrogant and blissfully unaware of any negative qualities they may have. I think of an overt narcissist.
I think of the scene from Malice, where Alec Baldwin is asked if, as a surgeon, does he have a God complex and he responds, “I am God.”
When I met my partner, I never thought he was a narcissist because he was self-deprecating, lifted others up, went out of his way to help those around him, and seemed to pour his heart into everything and everyone he cared about. He did not seek attention. And although he was extroverted, he wasn’t arrogant. Before marriage, I never once thought he was a narcissist.
After we separated I tried to figure out why he was the way he was and I came across the term covert narcissist.
Covert narcissists are harder to spot. Although they seem humble, they have a superior complex. Socializing can make them anxious because they can be jealous or compare themselves to other people. They may be defensive, vindictive, and passive aggressive. And they may be depressed.
These were all traits my partner had. And I never knew this could be a form of narcissism.
Over time, as his mask began to slip, I started to see these behaviors more and more. His humility became his entitlement. Helping others made him feel superior and like people owed him. He loved social situations if the focus was on him but was often jealous of friends and colleagues. He regularly compared our marriage and child to others. At the onset of any perceived criticism, he would cycle through defensiveness, anger, and being passive aggressive. And then he became vindictive talking about the things he would do to inflict pain and how he would avenge. And finally, he was brooding and depressed.
(On a side note, I remember once asking him why he was brooding and his response was, “Spell brooding” in an incredibly condescending and authoritative tone).
I always thought he was struggling with internal stuff and possibly depressed. But once I discovered the term covert narcissism, I almost felt vindicated. Almost.