A few years ago, my partner was arrested and convicted of domestic violence. His narcissism and anger issues finally caught up to him and for a moment, he let his mask fall. That moment showed a few people who he truly was. It was pivotal for both of us and kicked off a series of hearings, testifying, and a legal battle I never imagined. Of course, in true narcissistic style, he appealed every trial he lost. And he lost them all. This has forced me to go through a second round of every hearing. And right now, I am preparing for one of those Round Two hearings.
The justice system allows those convicted to appeal their case. I understand that. I have empathy for people who deserve that second chance to make their case. But as the person who has to sit there and relive it, talk about it, and get grilled to the bone about the details, the thought of doing it a second time is horrific. But as was the case throughout my marriage, I don’t have a choice. So…I prepare.
Through my experience and reading the stories of other survivors, I know that narcissists show up as their ever-charming selves in court. They portray confidence, an eerie sense of calm, and are incredibly charming. My narcissist also has a clean record, an impressive resume, and studied the law. I cannot control or predict what he will do or say. So, I choose not to focus on him. And I focus on me.
I prepare all of my documentation. I relive the moments in my mind and focus on the details. I remind myself not to engage with Narcissist in court. I also watched these videos about dealing with a narcissist in court and how to handle going up against them. I know the calmer and more confident I appear, the more it will rattle him. And that is the secret…I just have to appear that way. For those minutes we are in the courtroom, I have to appear strong, cool, and confident. It will be really hard but I can do that! I won’t let him see that my insides are twisted up and I feel like I’m going to vomit.
I need to be professional and composed. I need to share only the facts and avoid going down emotional rabbit holes. I will prepare mentally.
Here are 7 tips for winning a court case against a narcissist.
But the bigger question is, how do I prepare myself for that moment when I will enter the courtroom and see his face? How will I prepare myself emotionally? Is that even possible?
I try affirmations, meditation, and go for walks. I try to do self-care, whatever that looks like for a single mom of a six-year-old. But the reality is that there is nothing that can truly prepare me for that moment and what I will feel.
I will give myself grace. I will allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel. I will keep reminding myself to breathe. But I will focus on keeping everything in for those moments that we are together, in that room, with people who will judge both of us. I cannot control the outcome of the day. I cannot control the judgements. I can only control myself.
And although it may feel like forever, the hearing will end and we will go our separate ways again. And after it is over, that is when I can spend time sitting with myself processing it all.
Here are more ways to learn about dealing with a narcissist in court.