Truth be told, I had never heard the term gaslighting being used as much that often. And then I started hearing it all the time, especially by media outlets. But it still didn’t click that it was happening to me until much later.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one person tries to have power over another person. It is manipulative. It is abusive. It is controlling. And the goal is to make you question yourself.
And my partner was masterful at the art of gaslighting.
We had a pretty big argument. My daughter was a few months old and was taking a nap. He began yelling at me. I yelled back. (This was in our first year of marriage when I still used my voice. He drove that out of me later). He picked up a magazine on his desk, rolled it up, and threw it at my stomach. I was stunned. I knew he had a temper but never thought he would try to harm me.
“How could you just do that to me?” I asked. He said he didn’t do anything. I said, “You just threw that at my stomach. It’s red. Look!” He immediately denied it saying that he had thrown the magazine on the floor.
At first, I just thought he was confused and possibly having some weird memory issue due to stress. I was concerned about his mental health and wellbeing. Maybe he needed more sleep. He believed with such conviction that he did not throw that magazine at me. He didn’t do anything wrong and there was no need for him to apologize. In fact, I owed him an apology for yelling and instigating the whole situation.
At that moment I knew something wasn’t right. I went downstairs in a daze.
Over the years more and more situations like this arose. Any time I tried to talk to him about a disagreement or argument he would twist and turn things, talking in circles that were so challenging for me to follow.
And over time I started to question myself. I began thinking that I was the problem. Maybe I wasn’t understanding the situation. If it wasn’t him, it had to be me. What other option was there? And he seemed to make so much sense.
He said he was a circular thinker. And that because I was a linear thinker I just couldn’t fully understand. I had no idea what that meant. But for some reason I accepted it as the truth. He could do no wrong because he was perfect. I said I didn’t believe in perfection and he said it was simply because I was so far from it. With that rationale I was, by default, wrong 100% of the time.
I began to question everything. Of course, he was right. I was wrong. I must not be smart enough. He’s just smarter than me. And more talented. That’s why I don’t get it. I’m just overthinking it and need to trust him. He’s accomplished so much he must know.
Over time I became more and more silent. I stopped fighting back. I stopped questioning. I stopped using my voice. I accepted that I was wrong. Always.
I couldn’t see it but I was fading. I was becoming a ghost of who I once was.