Many parents will say this and I am no different: I thought I was doing everything I could to try and protect and shield our child from what was happening in our home.
Other than leaving.
I was too scared to leave. I thought that if we were all in one home, I could at least be there with her 100% of the time. But if I left and we shared custody, I could only help her half of the time. So, I stayed. And I tried to shield her. And I failed.
The impact of the abuse took its toll on her. From 0-2 years old her behaviors appeared normal for her age. She was a little less trusting and comfortable of strangers and a little clingier to me but I didn’t overthink it. But by age 2 her behaviors began to change. She wasn’t interested in socialization or peers. She cried every morning for five months when I dropped her off at preschool, clinging to me, and refusing to let me leave. She seemed terrified of new things.
I rationalized it by telling myself she was an only child, we didn’t have any family or many friends nearby, and she and I were isolated spending most days in our two-bedroom apartment. At home, she was quickly learning her numbers, letters, shapes, and colors so I knew that academically she was progressing. But at school she would not share any of her knowledge with her teachers.
I remember her preschool teacher asking me if she had any allergies. I responded that there were not any I knew of. Her teacher said, “Because she looks miserable every day.” It was the first time someone had pointed out the obvious to me, something I was trying to avoid and hoped was just a phase. My child was miserable. She was not like the other kids. She moved and behaved differently. I didn’t know what to do. I cautiously asked Narcissist if I could take extended leave from work and if we could consider moving to an area closer to more parks and playgrounds. He agreed and when our lease was up, we moved.
I thought if I could focus all of my time and energy on our child, she would come out of this “phase.” After we moved, she and I went to the playground every day. We spent hours together baking, playing, and coloring. I thought the move was a great change for me and her. But it had the opposite effect on Narcissist. He hated the longer commute and felt like we had moved to a neighborhood that was “beneath him and less prestigious.” This affected his moods and he came home angrier and angrier each day, blaming me and our child for this change in his life.
Over the course of that year, our child’s behavior began to escalate. She started throwing full blown tantrums, laying on the floor, kicking, throwing toys, and screaming. She began slapping me in the face and pulling my hair. She started to throw her food on the floor. And she began to make statements like, “I want to hit the kid,” when she would see other children at the playground.
She was four years old when Narcissist and I separated. Everyone told me she is young, strong, and kids are resilient. I hated hearing that – she shouldn’t have to be resilient.
Now she is six and has made leaps and bounds. And I am incredibly proud of her. She talks about how she is feeling, tries to make friends at school, and is more comfortable around new people she meets. And she is learning how to express anger in a healthy way.
But she still moves and behaves differently, because she is different. She has anxiety and experiences challenges with confidence and self-worth. She is afraid to try and is hyper focused on trying to be perfect, afraid she is not good enough. When she spills something, she is still scared that she will be yelled at. She remembers details from the times we lived with Narcissist in what she refers to as the “sad house.”
She has experienced abuse from a narcissistic parent and those effects are long lasting. She is resilient but the impact of this abuse will likely affect her for years and years to come.
Here are ten signs to look out for if you believe your parent may be a narcissist.